Archive for the traffic Category

Back on the bike

Posted in bikes, cycling, life, traffic with tags , , , , , on 27/02/2012 by entendered

So in news that not one of you will give a shit about, I was finally cleared by my physio to ride my actual bike again. This is a big deal to me because I fucking love riding bikes and especially enjoy pissing off drivers and getting into fights before being run over.

Also, riding bikes is the single best thing that any one person can do. It’s also the best thing that any one person can do with a group of other people. Anyone who suggests that an orgy is better than a group ride has clearly never actually participated in in orgy. Trust me.

Anyway, point being that it’s small rides for now, just getting the basic commute down. Fuck me, even when you try to compensate in the gym, you lose approximately 47 metric shit-tonnes of form when you’re out with an injury.

So I got home today, went up to the gym, smashed an extra workout, felt pretty good about myself and then came home to do the prudent thing and ice my knee. Yeah I know, I’m a superstitious fuck. Still, so far all seems well.

Hopefully I’ll soon be back to only having to worry about batshit crazy homicidal bus drivers (for those who don’t know, that’s all bus drivers).

In the meantime, if you see a cyclist holding up traffic, it’s probably me so feel free to run me down and say g’day.

In terrible news, I’m starting to care about things

Posted in bad, bikes, cars, death, dickish behaviour, dicks, government, lessons, life, politics, traffic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/10/2011 by entendered

This is a real tragedy for us all. As we all know, caring is basically the worst thing that you can do to yourself as a human being. Once you start to care, there is no going back. You’re on a one way path to self-destruction and a massive-fucking-blowout that will ruin everything that was ever good in your life.

Caring is for suckers and arseholes.

I find that recently I’ve been posting comments on various social media platforms and sending emails, some of which have even been addressed to elected officials. This is a disturbing pattern of behaviour.

Life would be a lot easier if you would all stop behaving like cunts and I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to regulate your behaviour. So please, for all our sakes and in no particular order can you please:

  1. Stop posting things about Steve Jobs being god, rising from the dead, having the best cock in porn¬†and how sad you are that he’s dead. We get it. He made stuff that you like and use, that’s great. He saw the world in a unique way. Trust me, he was rewarded for this with billions of dollars. Plus he was a cunt. That’s not just me saying it, that’s fact. On that note;
  2. Apple, any organisation with a “Worldwide Loyalty Team” is frightening. Seriously, that shit’s creepy and your vision of the future is looking more and more fucked up.
  3. Also Apple, please stop hiring children under the age of 16 to work in your Chinese sweatshops factories and working them to death. On the upside, congrats on the safety nets around the buildings to catch workers trying to commit suicide by jumping off the roof.
  4. Dear Apple, please try the novel approach of not making your workers want to commit suicide in the first place.
  5. Lastly Apple, how about you give some of that fucking money to charity? Any of it at all. Even just a lazy couple of million lying around. More than the $0 you’ve given over the last several decades.
  6. Drivers, guess what? Bikes are real and real people ride them. Get the fuck over it. My taxes pay for OUR roads so shut the fuck up and deal with the fact that I’m going to use them too. Want me and my bike off the road? Then grow a pair of balls and write to your elected representatives and tell them that yes, you DO want them to build that fucking bike lane/path/trail and you’re happy for tax dollars to be spent on it. And while we’re on it, try to understand this simple point. You are not IN traffic, you ARE traffic.
  7. Hollywood, just fucking die already. We’ve got HBO and Showtime, we don’t need you anymore.
  8. Guys in the pub who shout annoying, stupid and racist things during football matches – shut the fuck up. You’re the reason glassing, curfews, on-site security and light beer were invented. You’re ruining things for everyone.
  9. Politicians – not replying to correspondence for 2 months and then just sending a form letter that was stamped and scanned by a teenage intern (possibly the child of your illicit lover) doesn’t make you look reasonable, informed, interested, engaged or at all knowledgeable about your electorate or constituency. This is even worse when you hold a ministerial position with direct responsibilities. In particular, I’m looking at you NSW State Government…
Thank you in advance for your future cooperation in this endeavour.

Dear Redneck Fucker Who Threatened to Kill Me Today

Posted in bikes, cycling, death, dickish behaviour, dicks, life, safety, traffic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 20/06/2011 by entendered

Dear Redneck Fucker Who Threatened to Kill Me Today,

Hi, it’s me, the guy on the bike that you told “If you want to ride on the road you better be ready to get hit”. Here’s the thing, I’ve been hit before, on purpose. It doesn’t really hold that much of a thrill for me. Once when I was sixteen, some dipshit (possibly a relative of yours) leaned out of the passenger side window while the driver slowed down to match my speed and literally pushed me off my bike.

Two years ago, a bus driver swerved at me and hit me before stopping inches short of the parked car he was trying to knock me into.

So your big talk and your small mind (only slightly larger than your inevitably miniscule penis) don’t scare me.

Actually, I’m a bit pissed off. The thing is, I’m tired of you being stupid. You’re too stupid to be allowed to drive. It’s true. I watched you cutting lanes and nearly causing accidents before you got stuck in traffic and decided to threaten my life as I rolled past your virtually parked vehicle. You’re a reckless driver. You’re dangerous, not because you carry some air of menace or threatening manner, but simply because you’re too simple-minded to operate something as complicated as a motor vehicle, especially in city traffic.

And you’re too stupid to speak in complete or coherent sentences. And you’re obnoxious, and rude. All in all, you’re just a bad person. And I’m tired of you. So, thanks for your kind offer of committing something between Vehicular Manslaughter and outright Murder on my cycling self… all I can really say is that the law affords me certain rights when it comes to self-defense, so you better take me out on your first try.

School holidays are the single best thing that happens to traffic (and so can you)

Posted in cars, commuting, cycling, life, pedestrians, traffic with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 14/04/2011 by entendered

You know it’s true, I know it’s true, we all know it’s true. The second that schools go on holidays, you start getting everywhere faster.

You shave up to 15 minutes off your commute into work, and all of a sudden you’re arriving in a good mood – even before you’ve had your morning coffee. The world’s brighter and full of opportunities and possibilities. You don’t connect it all at first, but suddenly you realise that this is because school kids are on holidays.

The thing is, you might not know why this has such a big impact on your life or how it works, so while the kids are on holidays, let me take you to school.

On average the change in traffic volume during school holidays is actually quite small. We’re talking about a difference in the order of about 3% of vehicles normally on the road during the start and end of the day. Yet this turns into a huge gain in terms of traffic flow and commuting times.

This makes perfect sense when you think about it. Here’s the simple version, roads are built to be used and used to as close to capacity as they can be. That’s called efficiency. The difficult part in road management is not in getting cars onto the road, it turns out that’s painfully easy, it’s in regulating the flow of traffic on these roads.

The biggest problem for road engineers/designers/managers is that they’re full of individuals who all think that whatever it is they’re doing is the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD and everybody else should just GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY to let them get on with it. In our more rational moments the enlightened members of the human race are able to recognise the inherent folly of such a line of thinking. Most of us just get pissed off.

So you’ve got roads that rapidly fill beyond their maximum efficient capacity, and in so doing cause people to become increasingly frustrated with the natural result – being stuck in traffic.

All of this adds up to a pretty nice picture of most major cities around the world. But here’s the rub – you can’t build more roads to reduce traffic. It doesn’t work and anyone who tells you otherwise is a lying liar and if you point them out to me I’ll go set their pants on fire for you. The reason you can’t build more roads to reduce traffic congestion is really bloody obvious. More roads encourages a growth in traffic, not a maintenance of the status quo. More roads = more cars = more congestion = more frustration.

The simple truth that most politicians (and drivers) are unwilling to admit is that the simplest, cheapest, most obvious and best way to reduce traffic is to use fewer cars. It’s pretty fucking simple people. You can fit 13 people in a mini (or 27 if they’re midgets/clowns- whatever), but once that car is full, it’s full. The only way to free up some space is to take some people out of the equation. So next time you’re stuck in traffic and you decide to take your anger out on the cyclist riding between you and the edge of the road, or the pedestrian crossing with their headphones on, just remember these aren’t the people who got you into this jam. Holy shit, you might even be happier if you just got out of your fucking car and left the traffic behind you too.

To summarise – you want less traffic? You want to enjoy the openness of the roads with the same sort of freedom and ease you get during the school holidays? Simple, stop driving you selfish fuck. I’ve got places to be.

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