Archive for the cycling Category

Back on the bike

Posted in bikes, cycling, life, traffic with tags , , , , , on 27/02/2012 by entendered

So in news that not one of you will give a shit about, I was finally cleared by my physio to ride my actual bike again. This is a big deal to me because I fucking love riding bikes and especially enjoy pissing off drivers and getting into fights before being run over.

Also, riding bikes is the single best thing that any one person can do. It’s also the best thing that any one person can do with a group of other people. Anyone who suggests that an orgy is better than a group ride has clearly never actually participated in in orgy. Trust me.

Anyway, point being that it’s small rides for now, just getting the basic commute down. Fuck me, even when you try to compensate in the gym, you lose approximately 47 metric shit-tonnes of form when you’re out with an injury.

So I got home today, went up to the gym, smashed an extra workout, felt pretty good about myself and then came home to do the prudent thing and ice my knee. Yeah I know, I’m a superstitious fuck. Still, so far all seems well.

Hopefully I’ll soon be back to only having to worry about batshit crazy homicidal bus drivers (for those who don’t know, that’s all bus drivers).

In the meantime, if you see a cyclist holding up traffic, it’s probably me so feel free to run me down and say g’day.

Why the fuck don’t we have bionic knees already?!

Posted in bikes, cycling, life with tags , , , on 19/01/2012 by entendered

Last year some cunt pulled out in front of me and it resulted in my flying over the handlebars of my motorbike and crashing rather neatly into the road. That really fucking sucked, although it could have been much worse. Mostly I just banged the absolute living bejeesus out of my left knee, and so after getting an x-ray (that included the hilarious situation of the radiographer telling me I needed to have my right knee done and me dropping trou to show the left knee while saying “I don’t care what the doctor fucking wrote on the referral, this is the one you’re going to give me cancer in!”) I was relieved to learn that I did not have a shattered knee.

I iced the fuck out of that thing, rested up, took some anti-inflammatories and waited to ride my bike (my real bike that is. You know, the kind that you pedal) again. First day back some stupid girl drives straight into me from a side-street, saying she hadn’t seen me. Again, it was a low speed impact but she did hit me right in the left knee and thigh (in addition to running over my rear wheel and buckling it somewhat seriously).

It took two days to get the replacement wheel built up and on the bike (credit should go to the girl that ran into me, she did pay up promptly). I was riding home when a taxi pulled out in front of me and I had nowhere to go but into him and over the bonnet.

So basically I took an absolute shit-kicking last year and my poor knee has borne the brunt of it. Sadly this has come back to haunt me this year as every time I’ve tried to go for even a modest ride (like my regular commute to work), I’ve had it flare up and become stiff and sore all over again. Fearing I may never ride my beloved bike again, I have sought the professional assistance of a witchdoctor physiotherapist who assures me that I will be able to undertake a process of remedial exercises and treatments to correct the problem. I may even have to wind up injecting steroids like I’m a professional football player, who the fuck knows?!

So the good news is that I’ll be able to ride my beloved bike again some time in the hopefully not too distant future. The bad news is that I won’t be able to ride my bike for probably another month, maybe longer.

The really bad news is that despite popular belief, knees don’t grow back and so I’m doomed to a future in which this fucker gets progressively worse. I’m old enough that I remember watching the Six Million Dollar Man when I was a kid. If we could give that fucker bionic limbs for six mill back in the day then why the fuck can’t I just order some fucking bionic knees on ebay or some shit and solve all these problems at once?

Technology is such a fucking disappointment.

So it finally fucking happened. Today I got hit by a car.

Posted in bad, bikes, cars, commuting, cycling, dickish behaviour, dicks, life with tags , , , , , , , , on 14/11/2011 by entendered

I’ve been riding bikes since I was about 4 years old, but let’s not count all the bullshit riding I did as a kid and say that I’ve really only been riding seriously for the last 4 years. In that time I’ve had a couple of close scrapes, but nothing serious and nothing I’d call dangerous.

People often ask me if I feel afraid riding in Sydney traffic and I always say no. That if you act predictably and reasonably, then the vast majority of drivers are fine. I also say that over time you get a sense for when a driver isn’t paying attention and can often dodge a problem caused by their inattentiveness.

Every now and then you do hear a story of someone being an absolute dick and deliberately trying to hurt a rider. I have a couple of those incidents myself. Once a passenger undid his seatbelt, leaned out of the car and literally pushed me off my bike as he went past. Once a bus driver deliberately swerved towards me to try and cut me off and clipped my handlebars.

Today I was riding up the last hill before I get to my office and some woman drove out of a side street right into me. She didn’t clip me, she didn’t catch the edge of me. She drove into me square on, knocking me over and crushing the rear wheel of my bike.

I will confess, dear reader, that in the heat of the moment I yelled “What the fuck are you doing?!” And then I got up, checked myself, checked my bike and apologised to the driver in question for yelling.

Yes, despite what I might tell you, sometimes I can be a nice person.

I just hope she pays for the replacement wheel, like she said she would. Fuck me I’d like to swear about this some more.

Moonshine and bikes and bears, oh my!

Posted in bikes, cycling, life with tags , , , , , , , , , on 19/09/2011 by entendered

I’ve been on holidays. Highlights include:

  • First encounter with genuine moonshine
  • First encounter with bear in the wild
  • Riding bikes
  • Drinking really, really, really good beer
  • Flirting with girls in bars and coffee shops
  • Watching bike races
  • Massive roadtrips
  • All sorts of unique food
Normal posting will resume in the near future.

Time to ride

Posted in bikes, cycling, life with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on 30/08/2011 by entendered

Things I am going to do this week:

  1. Tidy my house
  2. Buy some modest gifts
  3. Fly halfway around the world
  4. Ride mountain bikes in a Southern State of the USA
  5. Eat BBQ chicken wings
  6. Make Damper on a campfire
  7. Drive to Montreal
  8. Eat a Philly Cheese Steak on the way
  9. Watch some bike races
  10. Drink a large amount of beer
Actually to be honest that’s going to take a little more than one week but it is still going to ┬ábe awesome.

Stop throwing your shit on the road

Posted in bad, bikes, cars, commuting, cycling, dickish behaviour, dicks, life with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 17/08/2011 by entendered

Dear fucking idiots who throw shit on the road,

To be honest I can’t even believe we’re having this fucking conversation. It’s so completely, utterly, fuckingly retarded that we’re having to have this conversation. Please stop throwing your shit on the road. That’s not what roads are for.

Seriously. Look up the word road in a dictionary and you will NOT find an entry that reads “someplace to throw your shit”. For a start dictionaries have more strict grammar policies than this blog, but importantly in this case because ROADS AREN’T FOR THROWING YOUR SHIT ON!

I don’t know how to make it any simpler than this. It’s your shit, and that means you have a responsibility to dispose of it correctly, safely, responsibly and according to social norms (and relevant statutory obligations). In short, you’re NOT ALLOWED TO THROW YOUR SHIT ON THE ROAD.

Obviously at some point in history our lawmakers realised that fucktards exist in this universe and we’re unlikely to evolve all the way past them anytime soon, so they resorted to the last most desperate thing that they could. They made it ILLEGAL TO THROW YOUR SHIT ON THE ROAD.

So just put your bottles and your chocolate wrappers and your pizza boxes and your burger wrappers and your big gulp cups and your fucking glass bottles and all the rest of your shit in the back seat of your car and put it in the fucking bin when you get home. Or what the fuck ever, just stop throwing your shit on the road.

Otherwise I’m going to start throwing my shit in your windows.

In unrelated news, I hate when you get a flat tyre from a piece of glass in the road at the end of a 50km ride, although that is technically better than getting it right at the start.

Professional sports and regionalism/nationalism do not mix

Posted in bikes, cycling, dicks, life, Philosophy with tags , , , , , , , , , on 08/08/2011 by entendered

Yeah, yeah, yeah – shut the fuck up. I get that sports are a social metaphor for warfare and allow modern fans to maintain a certain tribal affiliation while not actually maiming and dismembering each other’s children. But basically, fuck all y’all for being so retarded.

Sports are professional these days and have NOTHING to do with national/regional/local identity. When you can pay a player to move to your country and “qualify” for citizenship just so your national team will compete better, you’re admitting that national identity has nothing to do with international sports. Yeah, I’m looking at you – All Blacks, Wallabies and every other pro rugby team masquerading as a national side.

Same for all football codes, same for cricket, hockey, basketball, baseball. Here’s the truth, your favourite player doesn’t come from your hometown or region or possibly even country. Fucking deal with it and move on.

One of the many (many, many) things I love about cycling at the pro level is that it’s mercifully moving beyond this antiquated chest beating. There’s still a long way to go, but the pro teams are named for their sponsors and are truly international in both team makeup (staff, riders, etc.) and in competition. They literally compete all over the world. There is no “home field” and that’s a blessing for this type of sport.

Of course there are exceptions and difficulties in this, mostly they come from the sponsor end of the deal whereby a sponsor is trying to target a particular market and want the team to relate to that somehow. Usually by having a preference for riders from that market’s part of the world. It’s even worse when governments are involved. So yeah, there are a bunch of teams that fly semi-nationalistic flags and do a shitty job of hiding the fact that they’re fucking up the sport to appease the interests of the money (to be fair, this is exactly what happens in the rest of the world, so…).

Anyway, I can tolerate a lot of bullshit and generally I don’t let this stuff get to me. I’ve been happy through the years to follow my favourite riders regardless of the teams they’re on and to even find myself supporting some teams more than others, just because I like them. I like that about this sport, it’s incredibly competitive but it’s not mono-theistic. There’s a pantheon of performers and they’re all worth watching.

Sadly for me, a new outrage is on the horizon and one that is really fucking with my enjoyment of the end of this season and the start of next year. Unholy evil, thy name is Green Edge. This is a team that is trying to enter the top pro levels of the sport, but in the process is announcing itself to all and sundry as an “Australian” team. I cry bullshit.

I don’t want stupid “Oi, Oi, Oi” chanting. I don’t want morons who think this team really is some kind of national side getting involved. But the world doesn’t bend to my will all the time, and in this instance has chosen to kick me firmly in the nuts. The cunts have signed my favourite rider and now I’m torn. I either continue to support him out of history and loyalty, but thereby also support (at least to some extent) I team that I am ideologically opposed to; or I turn my back on my favourite rider of all time out of spite towards a team that hasn’t even had a race yet.

Fuck you Green Edge.

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