Archive for the cars Category

So I did a thing

Posted in cars, commuting, good, life with tags , , , on 24/11/2012 by entendered

I was on my way home from work on Friday when I noticed that the car in front of me had a dangerously low tyre. As in, it was dead flat and she was riding on the rim, just waiting to cause a major problem.

So I pulled my bike up to the driver’s side window and tapped, motioning for her to roll it down. Of course she was on the fucking phone (for the love of god people, if it’s so fucking important to talk to someone pull the fuck over. Seriously). Anyway I told her that her left rear tyre was flat.

Eyebrows shot up, “Really?!” Amazing how some people are so busy ON THE FUCKING PHONE that they don’t notice the thumping sound you get when you drive on a flat, or the handling of the car or any of the other things that tell you there’s something wrong.

Anyway, the light changed and so as not to obstruct traffic I rolled off. The stretch of road had no good places to pull off and so I left it alone from there, continued home.

As I was walking into my building, I saw the same fucking car round the corner and pull up, still with a flat. She’d driven another kilometre or so to get where she was going.

So I put my bike inside and walked over to where she was. At first she ignored me, until she realised I was walking directly towards her and then she looked up, realised who I was and started to look embarrassed.

I just put up my hand, smiled and said “Do you want me to help you with that?”

Then I changed her tyre.

I’m tired of drivers using their phones

Posted in cars with tags , , , on 02/02/2012 by entendered

Seriously you cunts, stop it. Just cut it the fuck out. Your phone is not necessary to operate your vehicle and your ability to operate your vehicle is, at best, questionable even when you’re not distracted by your current fucking score on Angry fucking Birds (the porn version of the app that you can’t get through the app store due to Apple’s commitment to prudish profit).

2011 was the year in which NSW police finally issued more tickets for mobile-phone-use-while-driving violations than speeding. For fuck’s sake, there’s nothing in the world that important. Settle the fuck down, enjoy the drive, concentrate on the traffic. STOP FUCKING HITTING ME WITH YOUR CARS!

If for some reason you really are enough of a sociopath or narcissist to believe that you must always be connected, then fucking buy a handsfree set or hire a driver or some shit.

The key point here is – you’re a shit driver anyway, you don’t need to make the situation even worse.

Maybe we should just invent some kind of tech that won’t let the car run if the driver has a phone that’s turned on. Or you can have a licence or a phone, but not both. Or some other bullshit authoritarian, stepping on your liberties kind of fucking nonsense, because at the moment you cunts are proving that you’re not capable of living up to the responsibilities of operating a vehicle.

Not that I have an opinion on the matter.

So it finally fucking happened. Today I got hit by a car.

Posted in bad, bikes, cars, commuting, cycling, dickish behaviour, dicks, life with tags , , , , , , , , on 14/11/2011 by entendered

I’ve been riding bikes since I was about 4 years old, but let’s not count all the bullshit riding I did as a kid and say that I’ve really only been riding seriously for the last 4 years. In that time I’ve had a couple of close scrapes, but nothing serious and nothing I’d call dangerous.

People often ask me if I feel afraid riding in Sydney traffic and I always say no. That if you act predictably and reasonably, then the vast majority of drivers are fine. I also say that over time you get a sense for when a driver isn’t paying attention and can often dodge a problem caused by their inattentiveness.

Every now and then you do hear a story of someone being an absolute dick and deliberately trying to hurt a rider. I have a couple of those incidents myself. Once a passenger undid his seatbelt, leaned out of the car and literally pushed me off my bike as he went past. Once a bus driver deliberately swerved towards me to try and cut me off and clipped my handlebars.

Today I was riding up the last hill before I get to my office and some woman drove out of a side street right into me. She didn’t clip me, she didn’t catch the edge of me. She drove into me square on, knocking me over and crushing the rear wheel of my bike.

I will confess, dear reader, that in the heat of the moment I yelled “What the fuck are you doing?!” And then I got up, checked myself, checked my bike and apologised to the driver in question for yelling.

Yes, despite what I might tell you, sometimes I can be a nice person.

I just hope she pays for the replacement wheel, like she said she would. Fuck me I’d like to swear about this some more.

In terrible news, I’m starting to care about things

Posted in bad, bikes, cars, death, dickish behaviour, dicks, government, lessons, life, politics, traffic with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 10/10/2011 by entendered

This is a real tragedy for us all. As we all know, caring is basically the worst thing that you can do to yourself as a human being. Once you start to care, there is no going back. You’re on a one way path to self-destruction and a massive-fucking-blowout that will ruin everything that was ever good in your life.

Caring is for suckers and arseholes.

I find that recently I’ve been posting comments on various social media platforms and sending emails, some of which have even been addressed to elected officials. This is a disturbing pattern of behaviour.

Life would be a lot easier if you would all stop behaving like cunts and I wouldn’t have to worry about trying to regulate your behaviour. So please, for all our sakes and in no particular order can you please:

  1. Stop posting things about Steve Jobs being god, rising from the dead, having the best cock in porn¬†and how sad you are that he’s dead. We get it. He made stuff that you like and use, that’s great. He saw the world in a unique way. Trust me, he was rewarded for this with billions of dollars. Plus he was a cunt. That’s not just me saying it, that’s fact. On that note;
  2. Apple, any organisation with a “Worldwide Loyalty Team” is frightening. Seriously, that shit’s creepy and your vision of the future is looking more and more fucked up.
  3. Also Apple, please stop hiring children under the age of 16 to work in your Chinese sweatshops factories and working them to death. On the upside, congrats on the safety nets around the buildings to catch workers trying to commit suicide by jumping off the roof.
  4. Dear Apple, please try the novel approach of not making your workers want to commit suicide in the first place.
  5. Lastly Apple, how about you give some of that fucking money to charity? Any of it at all. Even just a lazy couple of million lying around. More than the $0 you’ve given over the last several decades.
  6. Drivers, guess what? Bikes are real and real people ride them. Get the fuck over it. My taxes pay for OUR roads so shut the fuck up and deal with the fact that I’m going to use them too. Want me and my bike off the road? Then grow a pair of balls and write to your elected representatives and tell them that yes, you DO want them to build that fucking bike lane/path/trail and you’re happy for tax dollars to be spent on it. And while we’re on it, try to understand this simple point. You are not IN traffic, you ARE traffic.
  7. Hollywood, just fucking die already. We’ve got HBO and Showtime, we don’t need you anymore.
  8. Guys in the pub who shout annoying, stupid and racist things during football matches – shut the fuck up. You’re the reason glassing, curfews, on-site security and light beer were invented. You’re ruining things for everyone.
  9. Politicians – not replying to correspondence for 2 months and then just sending a form letter that was stamped and scanned by a teenage intern (possibly the child of your illicit lover) doesn’t make you look reasonable, informed, interested, engaged or at all knowledgeable about your electorate or constituency. This is even worse when you hold a ministerial position with direct responsibilities. In particular, I’m looking at you NSW State Government…
Thank you in advance for your future cooperation in this endeavour.

Stop throwing your shit on the road

Posted in bad, bikes, cars, commuting, cycling, dickish behaviour, dicks, life with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 17/08/2011 by entendered

Dear fucking idiots who throw shit on the road,

To be honest I can’t even believe we’re having this fucking conversation. It’s so completely, utterly, fuckingly retarded that we’re having to have this conversation. Please stop throwing your shit on the road. That’s not what roads are for.

Seriously. Look up the word road in a dictionary and you will NOT find an entry that reads “someplace to throw your shit”. For a start dictionaries have more strict grammar policies than this blog, but importantly in this case because ROADS AREN’T FOR THROWING YOUR SHIT ON!

I don’t know how to make it any simpler than this. It’s your shit, and that means you have a responsibility to dispose of it correctly, safely, responsibly and according to social norms (and relevant statutory obligations). In short, you’re NOT ALLOWED TO THROW YOUR SHIT ON THE ROAD.

Obviously at some point in history our lawmakers realised that fucktards exist in this universe and we’re unlikely to evolve all the way past them anytime soon, so they resorted to the last most desperate thing that they could. They made it ILLEGAL TO THROW YOUR SHIT ON THE ROAD.

So just put your bottles and your chocolate wrappers and your pizza boxes and your burger wrappers and your big gulp cups and your fucking glass bottles and all the rest of your shit in the back seat of your car and put it in the fucking bin when you get home. Or what the fuck ever, just stop throwing your shit on the road.

Otherwise I’m going to start throwing my shit in your windows.

In unrelated news, I hate when you get a flat tyre from a piece of glass in the road at the end of a 50km ride, although that is technically better than getting it right at the start.

School holidays are the single best thing that happens to traffic (and so can you)

Posted in cars, commuting, cycling, life, pedestrians, traffic with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 14/04/2011 by entendered

You know it’s true, I know it’s true, we all know it’s true. The second that schools go on holidays, you start getting everywhere faster.

You shave up to 15 minutes off your commute into work, and all of a sudden you’re arriving in a good mood – even before you’ve had your morning coffee. The world’s brighter and full of opportunities and possibilities. You don’t connect it all at first, but suddenly you realise that this is because school kids are on holidays.

The thing is, you might not know why this has such a big impact on your life or how it works, so while the kids are on holidays, let me take you to school.

On average the change in traffic volume during school holidays is actually quite small. We’re talking about a difference in the order of about 3% of vehicles normally on the road during the start and end of the day. Yet this turns into a huge gain in terms of traffic flow and commuting times.

This makes perfect sense when you think about it. Here’s the simple version, roads are built to be used and used to as close to capacity as they can be. That’s called efficiency. The difficult part in road management is not in getting cars onto the road, it turns out that’s painfully easy, it’s in regulating the flow of traffic on these roads.

The biggest problem for road engineers/designers/managers is that they’re full of individuals who all think that whatever it is they’re doing is the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD and everybody else should just GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY to let them get on with it. In our more rational moments the enlightened members of the human race are able to recognise the inherent folly of such a line of thinking. Most of us just get pissed off.

So you’ve got roads that rapidly fill beyond their maximum efficient capacity, and in so doing cause people to become increasingly frustrated with the natural result – being stuck in traffic.

All of this adds up to a pretty nice picture of most major cities around the world. But here’s the rub – you can’t build more roads to reduce traffic. It doesn’t work and anyone who tells you otherwise is a lying liar and if you point them out to me I’ll go set their pants on fire for you. The reason you can’t build more roads to reduce traffic congestion is really bloody obvious. More roads encourages a growth in traffic, not a maintenance of the status quo. More roads = more cars = more congestion = more frustration.

The simple truth that most politicians (and drivers) are unwilling to admit is that the simplest, cheapest, most obvious and best way to reduce traffic is to use fewer cars. It’s pretty fucking simple people. You can fit 13 people in a mini (or 27 if they’re midgets/clowns- whatever), but once that car is full, it’s full. The only way to free up some space is to take some people out of the equation. So next time you’re stuck in traffic and you decide to take your anger out on the cyclist riding between you and the edge of the road, or the pedestrian crossing with their headphones on, just remember these aren’t the people who got you into this jam. Holy shit, you might even be happier if you just got out of your fucking car and left the traffic behind you too.

To summarise – you want less traffic? You want to enjoy the openness of the roads with the same sort of freedom and ease you get during the school holidays? Simple, stop driving you selfish fuck. I’ve got places to be.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 156 other followers