Why the fuck don’t we have bionic knees already?!
Last year some cunt pulled out in front of me and it resulted in my flying over the handlebars of my motorbike and crashing rather neatly into the road. That really fucking sucked, although it could have been much worse. Mostly I just banged the absolute living bejeesus out of my left knee, and so after getting an x-ray (that included the hilarious situation of the radiographer telling me I needed to have my right knee done and me dropping trou to show the left knee while saying “I don’t care what the doctor fucking wrote on the referral, this is the one you’re going to give me cancer in!”) I was relieved to learn that I did not have a shattered knee.
I iced the fuck out of that thing, rested up, took some anti-inflammatories and waited to ride my bike (my real bike that is. You know, the kind that you pedal) again. First day back some stupid girl drives straight into me from a side-street, saying she hadn’t seen me. Again, it was a low speed impact but she did hit me right in the left knee and thigh (in addition to running over my rear wheel and buckling it somewhat seriously).
It took two days to get the replacement wheel built up and on the bike (credit should go to the girl that ran into me, she did pay up promptly). I was riding home when a taxi pulled out in front of me and I had nowhere to go but into him and over the bonnet.
So basically I took an absolute shit-kicking last year and my poor knee has borne the brunt of it. Sadly this has come back to haunt me this year as every time I’ve tried to go for even a modest ride (like my regular commute to work), I’ve had it flare up and become stiff and sore all over again. Fearing I may never ride my beloved bike again, I have sought the professional assistance of a
witchdoctor physiotherapist who assures me that I will be able to undertake a process of remedial exercises and treatments to correct the problem. I may even have to wind up injecting steroids like I’m a professional football player, who the fuck knows?!
So the good news is that I’ll be able to ride my beloved bike again some time in the hopefully not too distant future. The bad news is that I won’t be able to ride my bike for probably another month, maybe longer.
The really bad news is that despite popular belief, knees don’t grow back and so I’m doomed to a future in which this fucker gets progressively worse. I’m old enough that I remember watching the Six Million Dollar Man when I was a kid. If we could give that fucker bionic limbs for six mill back in the day then why the fuck can’t I just order some fucking bionic knees on ebay or some shit and solve all these problems at once?
Technology is such a fucking disappointment.