Old… and other things that end in …er

Posted in writing with tags , , on 18/08/2014 by entendered

Sometimes words spring forth and fall together in a heap. A pile of phrases that connect in ways that may be obvious or may be non-existent.

I’m older than you and sadder than you, and yeah, I’ve probably got it badder than you.

I had your heartbreak years ago and while you’ve bounced back, I don’t think there’s a bounce left in me. I can’t tell if that just means I haven’t bottomed out yet, or if it means that I’m still falling. Not that it matters either way. I visualise myself falling down an infinite castle tower, the only light glimpsed in flashes from slit windows flying past too quickly to focus on anything outside. If they weren’t there I’d be able to convince myself I was weightless. That’s all I do when I close my eyes, try to believe that maybe I’m floating in nothing and it’s deeply comforting, to only be me, in a void. An external representation of the inner self.

But I am not a void.

I am filled with thoughts and doubts and fears, oh gods, the fears. So many, so intricate, so completely intertwined. I am a web of fear. Fear of failing, fear of succeeding and it being hollow. Fear of not trying, fear of wasting chances, fear of loss, fear of clumsiness, fear of embarrassment, fear of triumph revealing fraud. I am so fucking cliched it’s not funny. Which is, of course, another fear.

And now I just want to sleep, and forget everything. But that’s a lie too. That’s not what I want now.

That’s what I want always.

It’s gotta be good for me right?

Posted in life, love with tags on 04/08/2014 by entendered

Sitting up reliving all my past mistakes with exes over and over and over again. This is definitely healthy behaviour. Totally not wallowing.

Why you should punch anyone who calls themselves a “job creator” in the throat

Posted in business, government, politics with tags , , , on 01/06/2014 by entendered

It’s a favourite euphemism of conservative politics to refer to business owners and corporations as “job creators”. Like many such things, it’s a clever, insidious and particularly nasty piece of manipulation designed to make employees feel indebted to those who purchase their time, creativity and labour.

The next time you hear someone refer to themselves as a job creator, feel free to punch that condescending, lying sack of shit right in the throat and stand over their gasping prostrated body while reminding them that you’re not fucking stupid enough to fall for that shit.

Companies do not exist to create jobs. They have never existed to create jobs. Jobs are defined within corporate accounting as an expense. Companies consider expenses to be inherently bad and every effort should be made to eliminate them entirely. If elimination is not possible, then minimisation is the next desirable step.

Companies do exist to generate profits. They only exist to create profits. It’s essentially negligent for a company to fail to deliver value to shareholders. Profits are achieved by selling more of whatever the fuck it is they sell (all companies are sales companies). Profits are maximised by matching sales growth with utterly minimised costs.

Therefore it is in a company’s interest to seek to gain as much work as possible for the smallest cost possible in order to generate the largest profit possible.

This means that any company that is even slightly well-run will seek to avoid adding employees to the payroll for as long as possible. Companies are not at all waiting for the dreamy day when “government red-tape” will make it easier to hire new staff. They don’t want new staff. They want their current staff to feel afraid and guilty and indebted to the company for deigning to give them a job in the first place.

Every job ever created by a company is created grudgingly and only after the company has endured so much hardship that it’s convinced it has to create a new job.

“Job creator” is just an attempt by conservatives to put a pretty ribbon on the ugly fact that companies don’t give a fuck about their employees, but they sure as shit want their employees to give a fuck about them and their tax benefits.

Deep runs and sharp rocks

Posted in life, writing with tags , on 28/04/2014 by entendered

Am I being pushed under or sucked down by the current? I can’t tell if it’s the weight of these thoughts that won’t ever, ever end or if it’s the pull of the lingering dissatisfaction. Am I being torn by the abrasions of the stones at the bottom? Maybe it’s the endless flagellation of a broken mind tearing me apart from within.

This isn’t who I wanted to be. This isn’t the life I’d planned or seen in my oh-so-clear visions of the future. I’m not who I intended to be.

Each step and struggling, flailing swipe at self-improvement costs so much effort and leaves so many fresh wounds. What am I doing wrong? Is it wrong? Is it me? Lawrence claims to have never seen a wild thing sorry for itself and I don’t know if that’s wisdom and insight or the mindless platitudes of a grandiose fuck who never spent much time in the wild.

I’ve seen plenty of wild things sorry for themselves, whimpering in pain, staring in fright and lashing out at the hand that would help them. Nature is more complex than the fraudulent insights of poets trying to sound profound and/or get laid. Fuck knows that poets need to use all the tricks at their disposal to get laid, and I’m the last one to begrudge them that deceitful conceit.

So what am I? Too many thoughts lacking cohesive direction and too much time spent pondering things that don’t matter when moving is what matters most.

Don’t freeze, don’t stand still, don’t stop. Never stop moving. Fuck the thoughts of what you’re moving towards, fuck the thoughts of what you’re moving from. Forget about lines and time being flat circles and keep fucking moving because the wild thing inside you is yearning to be set free. Let slip the leash, give up the bit and fucking run. Choose a direction and move until another direction takes your interest.

Shrug free the cuts and bruises, embrace the scars and hairline fractures. This is a life in motion, in the process of being lived with the full-throated aggression of a predator whose only goal is one more breath, one more step, one more lunge, one more leap, one more, one more, one more. Suck deep the air and howl your defiance in the mirror.

But always, above all else, move.

Wishing leads to hope

Posted in life, love, music with tags , , , on 14/04/2014 by entendered

I wish you would…

Monday is covers day

Posted in music with tags , , , , on 31/03/2014 by entendered

My new favourite cover, here’s Chvrches with their cover of ‘Do I Wanna Know?’ originally by Arctic Monkeys:

So you’ve decided to build a wesbite?

Posted in design, media, writing with tags , , , on 24/03/2014 by entendered

Dear friend,

So you’ve decided to build a website? Well, let me be the first to congratulate you on a terrible mistake.
Building a website and maintaining it is a motherfucking pain in the arse and chews up all your spare time and drives you crazy with stupid fucking bugs that are dumb and piss you off.

Also, you pretty much need one in this modern day and age. So… congratulations!

I will now attempt to impart some slightly less sarcastic and slightly more helpful advice on the topic of websites.

Actually first I’m getting a drink because I definitely need booze for this. Also a sexy soundtrack. Probably something with dirty guitar, because dirty guitars are pretty slutty and we are talking about websites after all. Websites are total sluts.

I think Band of Skulls is a good choice. Play Bruises if you feel like listening along.

Great song.

Alright, I’ve got whisky and dirty, slutty guitars. The world’s slightly better.

Ok, the first thing you need to understand about websites is the same first thing you need to understand about writing or producing or editing or DSing a cycling team or being a road captain or any fucking thing where you make decisions. You have to be willing to:

Kill your darlings.

Your favourite idea? Gotta be willing to kill it. The part of the whole thing you like the most? Kill it. Your firstborn child? Kill it. That hot barista who eyefucks you so good in the mornings AND gives you extra coffee for free? Kill it.

I mean, only if it’s not working. If it’s working totally keep it. But the point is that it’s all just one big fucking experiment anyway so what works now probably won’t work in 2 years and you’ll need to change shit, so don’t get too attached to anything anyway. Treat every component like a character in Game of Thrones. You’re never sure which one it’ll be, but you know for a fact that one of these fuckers is going to die any second now…

Basically you need to be George and not JK.


But it’s not all bad news! Just because you and your website isn’t a happily-ever-after love story doesn’t mean there isn’t anything in it for you!

Love Stories Suck

So the most important thing for you to work out is what the purpose of the website is.

Ideally you can distill this down into one clear goal for yourself.The answer can be all sorts of things, but it’s important to get this idea as specific and precise as you can because it will determine the type of website you need and what you need it to be able to do.

Some people want profile/professional bio type websites which explain who they are and what they do, often with a personal blog attached so they have somewhere easy to update.

That’s broadly the kind of website you showed me as an example today, although I’d argue that’s a perfect example of a messy and confused website. I couldn’t tell if I was meant to get news and updates, offer her work or look up election results on that site. Which is sort of ok because there was no clear call-to-action pointing me to a button to click or a latest update or anything anyway. It was just a mess of visual noise.

I’d heartily recommend you try to avoid the visual noise approach.

At a guess (and it really is a guess) based on some of our recent conversations I think you might want to explore something that partly profiles you but also gives you a chance to develop and build an audience for your writing. I’m (still) guessing that you are hoping to work towards creating a bit of a following for the kinds of stories (interviews and profiles?) that you want to tell yourself, without having to rely on commissioning editors who are as likely to steal your idea and let someone else write it for free as they are to actually offer you money for your work. But sometimes I’m cynical so that could be a really shitty guess.

People are bad

So anyway, IF that is the kind of site you’d like to build then here’s my suggestion on the best way to do it.

Make it mostly a blog.

If the goal is to build a profile as a writer then put your writing front and centre. Choose a WordPress theme that is primarily about blogging. You can still publish photos and stuff in a blog, but make the writing the first thing people see when they hit the site.

WordPress has some really nice, classy and evocative themes…

Wordpress Theme

Obviously in addition to the blog you’ll want/need to build out a bio page. I’d suggest two actually. The most important page is your current bio. Sort of a digital CV/About page. Keep it to no more than one typed page of info, but include a bit of history as well.

The second bio page would be a more formal history of your sporting career (if you wanted, but I’d recommend including highlights, some nice photos and stuff – people like that sort of shit and it probably helps the SEO too).

And, at least to start with, I’d keep it restricted to that. The beautiful thing is that you can always add more shit to a website later, but there’s no need to load it up now. I would definitely recommend avoiding putting in huge photo galleries. It’s unnecessary and time consuming and not really relevant to your purpose (unless your purpose is to put all your photos online, in which case may I suggest you get a flickr account instead? It’s much easier).

So yeah, I hope that all makes sense and is at least a little bit helpful (or entertaining). The main point is to keep the purpose simple and as much as possible make everything on the site serve that purpose. Also, that helps reduce the amount of details you need to stress about and stuff like that.

Most importantly, remember that you always have options. So don’t get stressed out. There’s always a viable alternative.



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